My times say I'm going to fail at my original goal.
I went on a date with someone who told me that I had to let go of my goal because it was just about ego. I thought Fine for you to say that, sitting on the other side of the fence. He was a runner who had already achieved what I was aiming for, so of course he could sit back and say things like that in hindsight. He had both perspective, AND the satisfaction of achievement on his side.
Fuck that.
But the truth is, it is all about ego.
He wasn't wrong. It was just annoying to hear.
So I let it go. I let go of the number I was chasing.
Mostly.
It still stings a little bit. It makes me less motivated to get out and do my speed or strength workouts properly. I think, Well, I haven't gotten better anyway, so what's the point.
I have gotten better. Sort of. Slightly. If you measure me in speed and in strength, I'm bad. If you measure me in numbers, I'm pathetic. My current best half-marathon time is EXACTLY the equivalency of the marathon I ran last November. It's actually WORSE by a minute or so. When I look at shit like that, I think well FUCK, I haven't made any progress AT ALL. There is nothing more fucking frustrating than that, not after months of training, not after trying hard, running in the winter, running in the snow, getting sick, being tired, coming home aching and hungry and tired, it all feels so fucking pointless.
If you measure me in distance, I'm doing a little better. I've been running seriously for 1 year and 6 days. Over 1,000 miles. In that year, I've run a marathon, two 5Ks, and a half marathon. By the end of this year, I'll have done 2-3 more marathons, and a 50 mile. I'm accomplishing things. I guess I have better endurance now.
I'm typing this instead of getting all the shit done that I need to do today ffs
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Pick Up Your Feet
Today I had one of the best runs I've had in a long while!
It was strange to begin... I had quite a late night the night before, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat much, only made it out the door around 2:30 pm, feeling a little sideways, leg still hurting, stomach feeling weird, etc... I decided that instead of doing my speed workout, I'd just do the 6 miles that I had skipped yesterday, and do speed tomorrow.
Now I wish I had done speed, because it ended up being such a good run...
For some reason, I've been thinking about my feet a lot recently, trying not to drag my feet as I'm walking at work, even if I'm tired. I think that how you carry yourself around the world is a reflection of your mental state, and vice versa. I want to be alert and present, and even if I'm not in tip-top shape, just schlepping from place to place is no way to live life!
Today as I ran, I was thinking about this, and unconsciously adjusting my body, and suddenly I realized that I was running. I wasn't fast jogging. I really felt the difference. I realized how much better it felt to be consciously running, how even a slow run was still different than a jog. Just by how it felt in my body and my legs and my feet.
This feeling carried me quickly along 6 miles. I was surprised how easily everything fell into place.
I allow myself to walk, if I need to.
But I won't be jogging any more.
Hopefully tomorrow's speed workout will be just as successful!
I'm excited to get out and move my body with all its power!
It was strange to begin... I had quite a late night the night before, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat much, only made it out the door around 2:30 pm, feeling a little sideways, leg still hurting, stomach feeling weird, etc... I decided that instead of doing my speed workout, I'd just do the 6 miles that I had skipped yesterday, and do speed tomorrow.
Now I wish I had done speed, because it ended up being such a good run...
For some reason, I've been thinking about my feet a lot recently, trying not to drag my feet as I'm walking at work, even if I'm tired. I think that how you carry yourself around the world is a reflection of your mental state, and vice versa. I want to be alert and present, and even if I'm not in tip-top shape, just schlepping from place to place is no way to live life!
Today as I ran, I was thinking about this, and unconsciously adjusting my body, and suddenly I realized that I was running. I wasn't fast jogging. I really felt the difference. I realized how much better it felt to be consciously running, how even a slow run was still different than a jog. Just by how it felt in my body and my legs and my feet.
This feeling carried me quickly along 6 miles. I was surprised how easily everything fell into place.
I allow myself to walk, if I need to.
But I won't be jogging any more.
Hopefully tomorrow's speed workout will be just as successful!
I'm excited to get out and move my body with all its power!
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Snow
Follow up!
So I put on all my kit and went upstairs... and the rain had turned to snow! Great big fluffy snow. So out the door I went...
It was a difficult run, because my right leg is bothering me quite a bit, and also my mind is a bit turmoiled. It was hard to stay focused. But in the end, my times were acceptable, if not great, and the views that I saw were quite lovely. So a success over all.
So I put on all my kit and went upstairs... and the rain had turned to snow! Great big fluffy snow. So out the door I went...
It was a difficult run, because my right leg is bothering me quite a bit, and also my mind is a bit turmoiled. It was hard to stay focused. But in the end, my times were acceptable, if not great, and the views that I saw were quite lovely. So a success over all.
Rain
Today I woke up and it is rain-snowing.
It's not supposed to stop until 2 pm, when I have to be at work.
What do I do? Should I still run in it? I need to do 8 miles. I'm crazy, but not 8-miles in the very cold rain crazy.
Speaking of, I decided to do the "advanced" version of marathon training. Today could be 4 miles, but noooooo, it's going to be 8. Stupid me.
But I thought that, well, I was already doing 3-4 miles a day for the 5k training. Beginner program was just more of that, grinding along. That's not enough for me. I want to push. I want to push hard.
But then it rains.
I don't know what to do in a time like this!
Should I just suck it up? I'm worried that I will get too cold, because none of my clothing is waterproof.
I don't want to be a baby. There's a hot shower waiting here when I get back, isn't there...
Times like this, I wish I had a coach, or someone training me who would tell me what to do.
The internet articles all assume that I'm going to do it, as if there is no question.
Rainy running...
It's not supposed to stop until 2 pm, when I have to be at work.
What do I do? Should I still run in it? I need to do 8 miles. I'm crazy, but not 8-miles in the very cold rain crazy.
Speaking of, I decided to do the "advanced" version of marathon training. Today could be 4 miles, but noooooo, it's going to be 8. Stupid me.
But I thought that, well, I was already doing 3-4 miles a day for the 5k training. Beginner program was just more of that, grinding along. That's not enough for me. I want to push. I want to push hard.
But then it rains.
I don't know what to do in a time like this!
Should I just suck it up? I'm worried that I will get too cold, because none of my clothing is waterproof.
I don't want to be a baby. There's a hot shower waiting here when I get back, isn't there...
Times like this, I wish I had a coach, or someone training me who would tell me what to do.
The internet articles all assume that I'm going to do it, as if there is no question.
Rainy running...
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Errors & growth
Yesterday was a tight day, schedule-wise, so I thought it would be good to get up and run before work.
You know, at 5 am. In the dark. In the countryside. As you do.
I had a little flashlight which was light enough and pretty sufficient for illumination -- I also have good eyesight in the dark and am comfortable with distinguishing shapes. Did you know that if you lived in a lightless place for long enough, you'd eventually become colorblind and blind, but you'd have extremely good abilities in differentiating between various shades of purples and navy and black? Fun stuff!!
Anyway, it was such a mistake!! Everything was still really icy, as driveway runoff melts during the day and then freezes on the road at night. Even with my light, it was really hard to spot most of the black ice. Also, I literally just rolled out of bed, into my clothes, and out the door -- no food or anything. HUGE mistake. I was dragging, and miserable, and kept slipping. Eventually I turned around and went home, for a total of 3 lousy miles. Boo!
But as my friend says, that's 3 miles that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So that's good.
Today, I woke up naturally around 7, lazed around and ate and took care of business for 3 hours, and then hit the road... and ran a sweet 8 mile course at a lovely steady 9 minute pace. 9 minutes is my JAM, it's my comfortable and natural pace, it's not too difficult, and it's EXACTLY where it needs to be on my "easy" days. HA!
I shouldn't be laughing too soon... this is the very first week of being on the Hanson's training plan, and it only gets tougher from here on out. And I can only hit that perfect spot when I'm rested, fed, prepared, etc... it's an important lesson in what my body needs in order to perform, to be completely honest.
And, last night, I was drinking, which is quite rare for me these days. I went home wondering if my body would be alright in the morning, if I would feel like running, if I was doing myself harm or neutral or good. But allowing myself to awaken naturally, to run when ready, made all the difference.
You know, at 5 am. In the dark. In the countryside. As you do.
I had a little flashlight which was light enough and pretty sufficient for illumination -- I also have good eyesight in the dark and am comfortable with distinguishing shapes. Did you know that if you lived in a lightless place for long enough, you'd eventually become colorblind and blind, but you'd have extremely good abilities in differentiating between various shades of purples and navy and black? Fun stuff!!
Anyway, it was such a mistake!! Everything was still really icy, as driveway runoff melts during the day and then freezes on the road at night. Even with my light, it was really hard to spot most of the black ice. Also, I literally just rolled out of bed, into my clothes, and out the door -- no food or anything. HUGE mistake. I was dragging, and miserable, and kept slipping. Eventually I turned around and went home, for a total of 3 lousy miles. Boo!
But as my friend says, that's 3 miles that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So that's good.
Today, I woke up naturally around 7, lazed around and ate and took care of business for 3 hours, and then hit the road... and ran a sweet 8 mile course at a lovely steady 9 minute pace. 9 minutes is my JAM, it's my comfortable and natural pace, it's not too difficult, and it's EXACTLY where it needs to be on my "easy" days. HA!
I shouldn't be laughing too soon... this is the very first week of being on the Hanson's training plan, and it only gets tougher from here on out. And I can only hit that perfect spot when I'm rested, fed, prepared, etc... it's an important lesson in what my body needs in order to perform, to be completely honest.
And, last night, I was drinking, which is quite rare for me these days. I went home wondering if my body would be alright in the morning, if I would feel like running, if I was doing myself harm or neutral or good. But allowing myself to awaken naturally, to run when ready, made all the difference.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Fun Running Stuff
It's not all introspective moping here around running HQ, let me reassure you!! Some fun stuff is coming along...
I mentioned already how excited I am to start running again, because I LOVE having a plan to follow. I'm a free-spirit kind of person raised in and living a laissez-faire style of life, so having a bit of consistency and structure in my life helps and reassures me in a way that nothing else does. THANK YOU to my marathon plan! Tracking progress makes me happy but it's kind of nerdy and boring sometimes...
So I started a few little side things to jazz up the whole process and make life more fun.
1. I bought a running scrapbook. It's actually just a giant floppy notebook that is sturdy enough at the binding that it will be able to handle all the 3D objects that I am going to cram in that sucker. You'd think that as I am working as an archivist assistant, I would have more respect for mementos and store them properly. NOPE. Gimme a glue stick and some double-sided tape, because when it comes to scrapbooking, I am 100% Dan Eldon, and 0% Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler.
When I was cleaning out my desk at home, I found my first medal, sadly I threw away a lot of my earlier 5K bibs, but from now on, it's memento scrapbook all the way!
2. I signed up for Athlinks, because it tracks ALL your races over time in one spot, which is awesome, and gives you stats and numbers and all those kinds of goodies.
I mentioned already how excited I am to start running again, because I LOVE having a plan to follow. I'm a free-spirit kind of person raised in and living a laissez-faire style of life, so having a bit of consistency and structure in my life helps and reassures me in a way that nothing else does. THANK YOU to my marathon plan! Tracking progress makes me happy but it's kind of nerdy and boring sometimes...
So I started a few little side things to jazz up the whole process and make life more fun.
1. I bought a running scrapbook. It's actually just a giant floppy notebook that is sturdy enough at the binding that it will be able to handle all the 3D objects that I am going to cram in that sucker. You'd think that as I am working as an archivist assistant, I would have more respect for mementos and store them properly. NOPE. Gimme a glue stick and some double-sided tape, because when it comes to scrapbooking, I am 100% Dan Eldon, and 0% Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler.
When I was cleaning out my desk at home, I found my first medal, sadly I threw away a lot of my earlier 5K bibs, but from now on, it's memento scrapbook all the way!
2. I signed up for Athlinks, because it tracks ALL your races over time in one spot, which is awesome, and gives you stats and numbers and all those kinds of goodies.
Little things like this make me feel pepped up and excited to run.
3. Research!! I was looking up races to try... And ended up scoping out impossible things like the 6633 ultra... Which is either 120 or 350 miles, crossing the arctic circle (!!!!) how amazing is that? What a trip. I'd pick that over a high heat one though any day of the week. Even if I never attempt anything so extreme, it's fun to imagine the challenge :)
Valentine's Day and the In-Between
Here's my swag from the Valentine's Day (Ok, February 13) 5K race around Lake Harriet. Apparently it's the oldest winter race in the cities? Or something that distinguishes it for being extraordinarily cold and unpleasant?
It was about 0, -1 outside when I began to run at 10 am. I'm only just now getting over the damage the cold air did to my throat, but it still hurts quite a lot.
My time was 24:03, which is a PR for me, hooray! It's 2:30 slower than my goal, but... what can you do, at the end? I'll tell you, I wish I had pushed harder at the end, just to grab on to a few more seconds.
However, to even get close to the end, I needed the help of someone else. Someone landed by my side at the second mile and began cheering me on. At first I thought he had just come up and crashed at my pace, which had taken a bad hit. Then he started to say small things whenever I started to choke, or slow down.
Someone once told me that my main character flaw is pride, and I would wholeheartedly agree with this. I was cheered up by this person telling me to keep going, and I was also damned if I was going to fall behind and give up.
It was a hard race for me, both physically and mentally. The raw cold was hard to push through, and really did damage me. Luckily yesterday, when I felt the sickest, I was at my sit-down job and could quietly process files in the basement. Being alone at the race was hard too, everyone that I thought was going to run with me, didn't. Being alone at the end sucked. Which is kind of weird, because I like this sport for the fact that for the large part, you can do it solo. Team sports always freaked me out because I couldn't do them well, and I feared being the weak link (again, pride!). But also, being beholden to someone's standard, to have someone there who wants me to succeed, is a big motivator.
I want to be good enough. I want to be worth it, because so often, I feel like I'm not worth fighting for. I'm not worth anyone's effort. It's not about... hitting a number, but about showing up. The biggest gift ever given to me is time. I want to be worth someone's time, and I want to be worth my own time, because if I stop feeling good enough or worthy of myself, I know I'm going to stop showing up. And I definitely don't want to clock out of my own life.
So to that unknown person who saw me, and stopped, and took the time and helped me along, I feel one hundred percent gratitude.
And then I came to the in-between, where I don't have to run again (until tomorrow) and I let EVERYTHING slide. I also stopped exercising for 3 days, and on the 4th day (yesterday) I couldn't believe how much my body had backslid. It was really shocking. Especially since I finally started to see cuts on my legs... and then my body decided to eat my beautiful muscles! It's not fair, those are my muscles and I want them back!
Stupid in-between period. I know I need the rest, but I also know that I'm not at a point that I can really rest without experiencing a big loss of condition.
But having started up again, I feel instantly better. It's pretty magical!!
I'm excited to start running again tomorrow. I've got my calendar all printed up and marked up for the next 5 months, it's brilliant. I told someone that once I was done in July, I'd take a break and start pursuing other projects, maybe do something creative, but... already I'm looking up fall and winter races, thinking about revisiting Rails to Trails, etc... It's a terrible running disease!
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