It's not gone so great, this first week.
For one, it's really cold outside. And windy. And icy.
For two, I'm really slow. Slow slow slow. So much slower than I want to be. That's really frustrating. I'm reminding myself that this is the first week, but it's still really frustrating.
But, yesterday and today when I ran, I felt a lot of pain, and that made me happy.
Yesterday my collar and shoulders hurt (and still ache). Today, my calf hurt, and then both my thighs and hips.
I felt that that was a good thing. I'm burning through my body being used to not running, and not doing things. I'm burning through the slowness, the laziness, my preference for sitting around and reading books. I'm building up a fire of running and of motion. I'm reminding my muscles that they are muscles and they are going to work.
I've got 7 more weeks of work ahead of me and I am going to push.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Trails
I dreamed about trail running last night. I dreamed about hills and grass and dirt and trees.
Some of my favorite runs last year were on trails, and so were some of my most accomplished and triumphant runs. I never felt like I was grinding when I was on a trail, and I know it's obvious and it's what everyone things... I know that now, anyway. It was a surprise to me, the first time I felt the happiness that is running on the dirt.
Still thinking about my run yesterday. My knee is giving me trouble today, and I'm thinking FUCK! Seconds turn into minutes!!
It's an added stress I wasn't quite expecting.
I started this... this whole thing, as my own project, with trial and error being my own responsibility. Now, having done one marathon, I know that if I don't get help, I'm going to have a really hard time. I'm definitely going to need help this time around in order to succeed because... Seconds!! Into MINUTES!!! That's changing everything!
I felt it when I was in the shower after that first speed run. Maybe it's stupid to be worrying about it after the first trial, but if you don't start worrying and wanting to improve right away, when will it happen? This isn't a trial run. Every time I do this, it's for real. It's real effort. Anyway, I was standing there, thinking about it, and about the laps I had just looked at, and I was disappointed and annoyed and freaking out a little bit, but also, I realized that I understood something I had seen once, some passion that I had seen once in someone else, this crazy passion, to the point of (what I thought) was going way too far. But now, I think, If something happened, and I couldn't do this, after all my effort, I would freak out. I would totally lose my cool and tear myself apart.
Effort is real. Effort will never betray you.
I only have that written down in about 20 different places around my room.
Effort will never betray you.
I'm not half-assing this. I'm doing this seriously. I hope I can train, and race, all the way to the end, and still be OK if I don't make it. If something happens, I have to be OK with that but I will not go into this thinking that way. I won't let that be my fall-back plan, that, Oh, it's OK if I fail because that's never going to be a mindset that will get me through to the end.
I wish I was doing more trail races coming up, because all my training is going to be grinding it out on the roads.
Some of my favorite runs last year were on trails, and so were some of my most accomplished and triumphant runs. I never felt like I was grinding when I was on a trail, and I know it's obvious and it's what everyone things... I know that now, anyway. It was a surprise to me, the first time I felt the happiness that is running on the dirt.
Still thinking about my run yesterday. My knee is giving me trouble today, and I'm thinking FUCK! Seconds turn into minutes!!
It's an added stress I wasn't quite expecting.
I started this... this whole thing, as my own project, with trial and error being my own responsibility. Now, having done one marathon, I know that if I don't get help, I'm going to have a really hard time. I'm definitely going to need help this time around in order to succeed because... Seconds!! Into MINUTES!!! That's changing everything!
I felt it when I was in the shower after that first speed run. Maybe it's stupid to be worrying about it after the first trial, but if you don't start worrying and wanting to improve right away, when will it happen? This isn't a trial run. Every time I do this, it's for real. It's real effort. Anyway, I was standing there, thinking about it, and about the laps I had just looked at, and I was disappointed and annoyed and freaking out a little bit, but also, I realized that I understood something I had seen once, some passion that I had seen once in someone else, this crazy passion, to the point of (what I thought) was going way too far. But now, I think, If something happened, and I couldn't do this, after all my effort, I would freak out. I would totally lose my cool and tear myself apart.
Effort is real. Effort will never betray you.
I only have that written down in about 20 different places around my room.
Effort will never betray you.
I'm not half-assing this. I'm doing this seriously. I hope I can train, and race, all the way to the end, and still be OK if I don't make it. If something happens, I have to be OK with that but I will not go into this thinking that way. I won't let that be my fall-back plan, that, Oh, it's OK if I fail because that's never going to be a mindset that will get me through to the end.
I wish I was doing more trail races coming up, because all my training is going to be grinding it out on the roads.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Training again
I did speed work today...
It was demoralizing...
I couldn't track my time easily as I was doing the intervals, I should have gone to a track but I wanted to work outside in the natural place, where I'd be running eventually.
In any case I did my best, but when I checked my laps later, I was 1-11 seconds off for each speed interval. That comes out to 1-2 MINUTES time when you move to a 5k...
This is really hard :/ I didn't think it would be easy of course, but I'm looking ahead and thinking "can I even manage (this pace) on Thursday?" Can I? I have no idea. I don't think I can. But I'm going to anyway god damn it. Well, I'm going to try at least. And it's going to hurt and I'll probably fail but I'll make the effort, I'll always make the effort every day from now on.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
I'm ready, not ready
Tomorrow I start training again.
I bought some cold-weather trousers.
But I don't feel ready. Not physically, anyway. I don't feel fast anymore, or exactly mentally prepared.
As far as my mind is, however, I feel ready. I'm ready to have a routine again. I'm ready to be reaching for a goal and pushing myself.
Sometimes I wonder and worry about my motivations, because I don't feel that they're pure sometimes. What do I have to prove? Why did I make this choice to run? Is it because of fear? Because of anger? Because of avoidance?
I'm concerned that I want things for the wrong reasons. I want to run, because it eats up time. I want to run, because it distracts me from myself. I want to run, because of other people and not myself. I want to run, because it makes me hate myself less. Those are true reasons, and I don't think they're good reasons.
Avoiding negativity is not a good reason, is it?
I want to run, because I feel good afterward. Sometimes. I want to run, because it will keep me healthy. I want to run, because it gets me outside and into nature. I want to run, because it makes showers and food feel and taste that much better. I want to run, because I want to race, because racing makes me feel happy and high.
I want to run, because I don't want to sit. I want to run, because I'm sick of being stuck in my own head. I want to run, because I'm tired of being angry all the time. I want to run, because I'm tired of being sad all the time. I want to run, because I can control it when I can't control my mind. I want to run, because I look awesome in running clothes. I want to run, because it makes me tired and I feel less guilty about taking a nap. I want to run, because it gives me endurance.
I want to run, because I don't want to die. I want to run because I want to live. I want to run because I want to be like Scott Jurek and Ronda Rousey and Mirna Valerio. I want to run because I want to accomplish stupidly difficult things that require huge amounts of effort and time and in which I am no particular star, for no particular reason. I want to run because I'm lousy at it, and I'm full to the brim of the three D's
Destination
Determination
Deliberation
I'm ready to lace up.
I bought some cold-weather trousers.
But I don't feel ready. Not physically, anyway. I don't feel fast anymore, or exactly mentally prepared.
As far as my mind is, however, I feel ready. I'm ready to have a routine again. I'm ready to be reaching for a goal and pushing myself.
Sometimes I wonder and worry about my motivations, because I don't feel that they're pure sometimes. What do I have to prove? Why did I make this choice to run? Is it because of fear? Because of anger? Because of avoidance?
I'm concerned that I want things for the wrong reasons. I want to run, because it eats up time. I want to run, because it distracts me from myself. I want to run, because of other people and not myself. I want to run, because it makes me hate myself less. Those are true reasons, and I don't think they're good reasons.
Avoiding negativity is not a good reason, is it?
I want to run, because I feel good afterward. Sometimes. I want to run, because it will keep me healthy. I want to run, because it gets me outside and into nature. I want to run, because it makes showers and food feel and taste that much better. I want to run, because I want to race, because racing makes me feel happy and high.
I want to run, because I don't want to sit. I want to run, because I'm sick of being stuck in my own head. I want to run, because I'm tired of being angry all the time. I want to run, because I'm tired of being sad all the time. I want to run, because I can control it when I can't control my mind. I want to run, because I look awesome in running clothes. I want to run, because it makes me tired and I feel less guilty about taking a nap. I want to run, because it gives me endurance.
I want to run, because I don't want to die. I want to run because I want to live. I want to run because I want to be like Scott Jurek and Ronda Rousey and Mirna Valerio. I want to run because I want to accomplish stupidly difficult things that require huge amounts of effort and time and in which I am no particular star, for no particular reason. I want to run because I'm lousy at it, and I'm full to the brim of the three D's
Destination
Determination
Deliberation
I'm ready to lace up.
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