Unfailure

My times say I'm going to fail at my original goal.

I went on a date with someone who told me that I had to let go of my goal because it was just about ego. I thought Fine for you to say that, sitting on the other side of the fence. He was a runner who had already achieved what I was aiming for, so of course he could sit back and say things like that in hindsight. He had both perspective, AND the satisfaction of achievement on his side.

Fuck that.

But the truth is, it is all about ego.

He wasn't wrong. It was just annoying to hear.

So I let it go. I let go of the number I was chasing.

Mostly.

It still stings a little bit. It makes me less motivated to get out and do my speed or strength workouts properly. I think, Well, I haven't gotten better anyway, so what's the point.

I have gotten better. Sort of. Slightly. If you measure me in speed and in strength, I'm bad. If you measure me in numbers, I'm pathetic. My current best half-marathon time is EXACTLY the equivalency of the marathon I ran last November. It's actually WORSE by a minute or so. When I look at shit like that, I think well FUCK, I haven't made any progress AT ALL. There is nothing more fucking frustrating than that, not after months of training, not after trying hard, running in the winter, running in the snow, getting sick, being tired, coming home aching and hungry and tired, it all feels so fucking pointless.

If you measure me in distance, I'm doing a little better. I've been running seriously for 1 year and 6 days. Over 1,000 miles. In that year, I've run a marathon, two 5Ks, and a half marathon. By the end of this year, I'll have done 2-3 more marathons, and a 50 mile. I'm accomplishing things. I guess I have better endurance now.

I'm typing this instead of getting all the shit done that I need to do today ffs

Pick Up Your Feet

Today I had one of the best runs I've had in a long while!

It was strange to begin... I had quite a late night the night before, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat much, only made it out the door around 2:30 pm, feeling a little sideways, leg still hurting, stomach feeling weird, etc... I decided that instead of doing my speed workout, I'd just do the 6 miles that I had skipped yesterday, and do speed tomorrow.

Now I wish I had done speed, because it ended up being such a good run...

For some reason, I've been thinking about my feet a lot recently, trying not to drag my feet as I'm walking at work, even if I'm tired. I think that how you carry yourself around the world is a reflection of your mental state, and vice versa. I want to be alert and present, and even if I'm not in tip-top shape, just schlepping from place to place is no way to live life!

Today as I ran, I was thinking about this, and unconsciously adjusting my body, and suddenly I realized that I was running. I wasn't fast jogging. I really felt the difference. I realized how much better it felt to be consciously running, how even a slow run was still different than a jog. Just by how it felt in my body and my legs and my feet.

This feeling carried me quickly along 6 miles. I was surprised how easily everything fell into place.

I allow myself to walk, if I need to.

But I won't be jogging any more.

Hopefully tomorrow's speed workout will be just as successful!

I'm excited to get out and move my body with all its power!

Snow

Follow up!

So I put on all my kit and went upstairs... and the rain had turned to snow! Great big fluffy snow. So out the door I went...

It was a difficult run, because my right leg is bothering me quite a bit, and also my mind is a bit turmoiled. It was hard to stay focused. But in the end, my times were acceptable, if not great, and the views that I saw were quite lovely. So a success over all.

Rain

Today I woke up and it is rain-snowing.

It's not supposed to stop until 2 pm, when I have to be at work.

What do I do? Should I still run in it? I need to do 8 miles. I'm crazy, but not 8-miles in the very cold rain crazy.

Speaking of, I decided to do the "advanced" version of marathon training. Today could be 4 miles, but noooooo, it's going to be 8. Stupid me.

But I thought that, well, I was already doing 3-4 miles a day for the 5k training. Beginner program was just more of that, grinding along. That's not enough for me. I want to push. I want to push hard.

But then it rains.

I don't know what to do in a time like this!

Should I just suck it up? I'm worried that I will get too cold, because none of my clothing is waterproof.

I don't want to be a baby. There's a hot shower waiting here when I get back, isn't there...

Times like this, I wish I had a coach, or someone training me who would tell me what to do.

The internet articles all assume that I'm going to do it, as if there is no question.

Rainy running...

Errors & growth

Yesterday was a tight day, schedule-wise, so I thought it would be good to get up and run before work.

You know, at 5 am. In the dark. In the countryside. As you do.

I had a little flashlight which was light enough and pretty sufficient for illumination -- I also have good eyesight in the dark and am comfortable with distinguishing shapes. Did you know that if you lived in a lightless place for long enough, you'd eventually become colorblind and blind, but you'd have extremely good abilities in differentiating between various shades of purples and navy and black? Fun stuff!!

Anyway, it was such a mistake!! Everything was still really icy, as driveway runoff melts during the day and then freezes on the road at night. Even with my light, it was really hard to spot most of the black ice. Also, I literally just rolled out of bed, into my clothes, and out the door -- no food or anything. HUGE mistake. I was dragging, and miserable, and kept slipping. Eventually I turned around and went home, for a total of 3 lousy miles. Boo!

But as my friend says, that's 3 miles that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So that's good.

Today, I woke up naturally around 7, lazed around and ate and took care of business for 3 hours, and then hit the road... and ran a sweet 8 mile course at a lovely steady 9 minute pace. 9 minutes is my JAM, it's my comfortable and natural pace, it's not too difficult, and it's EXACTLY where it needs to be on my "easy" days. HA!

I shouldn't be laughing too soon... this is the very first week of being on the Hanson's training plan, and it only gets tougher from here on out. And I can only hit that perfect spot when I'm rested, fed, prepared, etc... it's an important lesson in what my body needs in order to perform, to be completely honest.

And, last night, I was drinking, which is quite rare for me these days. I went home wondering if my body would be alright in the morning, if I would feel like running, if I was doing myself harm or neutral or good. But allowing myself to awaken naturally, to run when ready, made all the difference.

Fun Running Stuff

It's not all introspective moping here around running HQ, let me reassure you!! Some fun stuff is coming along...

I mentioned already how excited I am to start running again, because I LOVE having a plan to follow. I'm a free-spirit kind of person raised in and living a laissez-faire style of life, so having a bit of consistency and structure in my life helps and reassures me in a way that nothing else does. THANK YOU to my marathon plan! Tracking progress makes me happy but it's kind of nerdy and boring sometimes...

So I started a few little side things to jazz up the whole process and make life more fun.

1. I bought a running scrapbook. It's actually just a giant floppy notebook that is sturdy enough at the binding that it will be able to handle all the 3D objects that I am going to cram in that sucker. You'd think that as I am working as an archivist assistant, I would have more respect for mementos and store them properly. NOPE. Gimme a glue stick and some double-sided tape, because when it comes to scrapbooking, I am 100% Dan Eldon, and 0% Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler.

When I was cleaning out my desk at home, I found my first medal, sadly I threw away a lot of my earlier 5K bibs, but from now on, it's memento scrapbook all the way!

2. I signed up for Athlinks, because it tracks ALL your races over time in one spot, which is awesome, and gives you stats and numbers and all those kinds of goodies.

Little things like this make me feel pepped up and excited to run. 

3. Research!! I was looking up races to try... And ended up scoping out impossible things like the 6633 ultra... Which is either 120 or 350 miles, crossing the arctic circle (!!!!) how amazing is that? What a trip. I'd pick that over a high heat one though any day of the week. Even if I never attempt anything so extreme, it's fun to imagine the challenge :)

Valentine's Day and the In-Between

A photo posted by Eden (@witch.of.eden) on Feb 13, 2016 at 10:16am PST

Here's my swag from the Valentine's Day (Ok, February 13) 5K race around Lake Harriet. Apparently it's the oldest winter race in the cities? Or something that distinguishes it for being extraordinarily cold and unpleasant?

It was about 0, -1 outside when I began to run at 10 am. I'm only just now getting over the damage the cold air did to my throat, but it still hurts quite a lot.

My time was 24:03, which is a PR for me, hooray! It's 2:30 slower than my goal, but... what can you do, at the end? I'll tell you, I wish I had pushed harder at the end, just to grab on to a few more seconds.

However, to even get close to the end, I needed the help of someone else. Someone landed by my side at the second mile and began cheering me on. At first I thought he had just come up and crashed at my pace, which had taken a bad hit. Then he started to say small things whenever I started to choke, or slow down.

Someone once told me that my main character flaw is pride, and I would wholeheartedly agree with this. I was cheered up by this person telling me to keep going, and I was also damned if I was going to fall behind and give up.

It was a hard race for me, both physically and mentally. The raw cold was hard to push through, and really did damage me. Luckily yesterday, when I felt the sickest, I was at my sit-down job and could quietly process files in the basement. Being alone at the race was hard too, everyone that I thought was going to run with me, didn't. Being alone at the end sucked. Which is kind of weird, because I like this sport for the fact that for the large part, you can do it solo. Team sports always freaked me out because I couldn't do them well, and I feared being the weak link (again, pride!). But also, being beholden to someone's standard, to have someone there who wants me to succeed, is a big motivator.

I want to be good enough. I want to be worth it, because so often, I feel like I'm not worth fighting for. I'm not worth anyone's effort. It's not about... hitting a number, but about showing up. The biggest gift ever given to me is time. I want to be worth someone's time, and I want to be worth my own time, because if I stop feeling good enough or worthy of myself, I know I'm going to stop showing up. And I definitely don't want to clock out of my own life.

So to that unknown person who saw me, and stopped, and took the time and helped me along, I feel one hundred percent gratitude.



And then I came to the in-between, where I don't have to run again (until tomorrow) and I let EVERYTHING slide. I also stopped exercising for 3 days, and on the 4th day (yesterday) I couldn't believe how much my body had backslid. It was really shocking. Especially since I finally started to see cuts on my legs... and then my body decided to eat my beautiful muscles! It's not fair, those are my muscles and I want them back!

Stupid in-between period. I know I need the rest, but I also know that I'm not at a point that I can really rest without experiencing a big loss of condition.

But having started up again, I feel instantly better. It's pretty magical!!

I'm excited to start running again tomorrow. I've got my calendar all printed up and marked up for the next 5 months, it's brilliant. I told someone that once I was done in July, I'd take a break and start pursuing other projects, maybe do something creative, but... already I'm looking up fall and winter races, thinking about revisiting Rails to Trails, etc... It's a terrible running disease!

Cold Weather

The biggest thing I talked about with other new runners when we started talking about winter running back in November was... how do you do it?

What do you wear? How do you stay warm? How do you not die?

It was around 7 degrees this morning... but sunny! 

I remember way back when, when I got my running pants, that I thought "Ok, now I need to get serious about this winter business". HA! I didn't buy a single thing after that. Things just worked themselves out. 

Above, I'm wearing a singlet, long-sleeve base layer, weird leggings from Target, cold-weather pants, and a windbreaker. If it's above 10 degrees, I'll skip the singlet, lest I die of heatstroke. I add on top a carhartt hat, a fleece neck thing I found in the basement, and gloves with a windbreaker mitten flap. Socks. My trail shoes, because although the wind goes right through them and they offer no waterproofing whatsoever, they have good traction on the snow & ice. I never got around to buying winter shoes with slush protection or whatever, but as long as my socks are wool, it doesn't matter. 

YES my legs are cold and YES my arms are cold and YES I grow lots of icicles on my eyelashes and YES my fleece thing gets full of boogers and frost but HEY. It works. 

You "not die" by keep moving forward. You watch out for ice. You learn how your layers work. It definitely wasn't as steep a curve as I thought it might be. 

I'm really glad I sucked it up and did winter running. Definitely not my number one choice of activity, but the payoff has been huge... and there is NO EXCUSE for me not to run anymore :)

More trials and errors

Here we are in week 6!!! How's it going?

So-so, I'd say.

I mean, shut up, it's pretty great. I can run! I got over the fact that it is crazy cold outside. I've picked so many ice balls out of my eyelashes. I had to get contacts again because I couldn't run in the cold wearing my glasses (they fogged up, and also got really cold and hurt my face). Icy roads became less of a problem once I figured out how to "see" which patches of white were going to be slick, and which would be crunchy and safe. Only two drivers swerved as if they were going to hit me! (Idiot-holes).

Let's talk about what's been going on...

Stuff That Isn't Going So Great

Not because I like to lead with a negative, but let's get it out of the way first.

→ My tempo times are not where they need to be. 

Those times written in are JUST for the tempo, not factoring in warm up and cool down :/

I need to be at 7:22, but I just can't sustain it for 15-20 minutes and that's so, so frustrating. I think about going to the gym to work on a treadmill and force myself along, but I don't like the treadmill (seriously who does), it takes me out of the cold (where I need to be acclimated), and it seems like it's asking for trouble. Plus I always get this fantasy when I'm running that if I trip, my braid will get caught under the tread and will rip my scalp off. 

Out there, I'm trying to push myself, to just keep going and move your damn legs, and when I get back I feel worked out, but also disappointed. I keep wondering, am I listening to myself and doing right? Or am I giving up too soon? 

This is the kind of thing where running alone might be an error. 

→ My shape changed and it changed how I felt

At first this was a good thing. I slimmed down. A LOT. I am truly not doing this for vanity, but I definitely felt good about myself, and a little bit shocked at how differently I looked when I compared with photos from last spring or summer.

I kept changing, though. Now, I'm flabby. Really flabby. It's as if my body is eating my muscles as fast as I make them, and leaving the fat, which I'm pretty sure is a thing that happens. I am flabby and I hate it so so much. It's weird. I didn't hate my body when I was heavier and more lazy, but now that I've gotten in shape and am smaller, it's... easier to see? bits that I really hate. Luckily, I don't hate my self, just the bits where I look in the mirror and see them and think What is your DEAL???!?! WHY ARE YOU HERE???!?!  I definitely feel less confident about my body and how it looks, and I worry that that mindset trickles down into having less confidence about what my body can do. 

Again, doing this on my ownsome might be an error here. Google has lots of sites that will tell you about keeping muscle while cutting fat, and while most of it is hokum that is trying to sell you something, it's also pointed out a few more things that I need to consider...

→ I'm not eating properly

I need to work on balancing my diet and including enough protein. I went vegetarian (with very rare bits of fish) last fall and I don't think I'm doing it as well as I could be (from a health perspective). Of COURSE my body is eating my damn muscles. 

→ I'm not building up more core / need more work that isn't just running.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE GOOD STUFF NOW

→ I started doing work that isn't just running ;)

Did you see that coming? I started doing a 30-day workout challenge... actually, to tell the truth, I'm doing 4 of them at once, because one didn't feel like enough work for me! I've been on it for 8 days now and although I see no results, I feel the mental satisfaction of doing work... so that definitely helps with confidence (although the mirror still makes me feel weird).

→ I live on my own 

I'm working as a house-sitter, and I'm applying to get an apartment when this gig is up. This situation gives me more control over my environment, and my eating, and my... everything! It lowers my stress. 

→ I got a Garmin GPS watch and it changed everything

I can't remember if I talked about this earlier, but I got one over the Christmas sale season and it rooooooocks!! I got the Forerunner 620 and I looooooove it. My friend got the 630 and it's even cooler, so maybe once this one has run its course I'll upgrade to the... well, to whatever the next one is, hahahaha. I like nerding out over the numbers and watching things be really accurate. I'm trying to decide if I want to pick up a HR band and maybe a foot pod to get MAXIMUM DATAS. Not having to carry my phone to get an accurate tracking? Wicked. Being able to do speed work without having to guess, or find a track? Magic. 

It also forced me to upgrade my entire computer system, which I had been putting off for... YEARS. Just so I could use the Garmin Connect site. I was annoyed at first, but being able to design my own workouts with excruciating detail has been AWESOME. AND, everything else I do on my computer has been upgraded as a result (Hello iCloud!). I also love that I can look at each lap of my running instead of just a big jumble, as long as I parse it out beforehand in the workout design. 

On that note...

→ I've been CRUSHING my speedwork

My tempo / strength might be in the trash, but my speed work is awesome. So far all my laps are bang-on where they need to be and my averages are so good. I also took the advice that I read somewhere of having your rest intervals be half the time of your strides, rather than using distance to measure your rest. This definitely stopped me from putzing around. It makes the whole effort harder. I love speed days! I just wish I could love tempo days too.

→ The weather is getting better

I've had two runs recently that were above freezing!! SO NICE!! I had to take off my hat halfway through one of them, bliss!!

→ Running friends?

So far I haven't been able to get any of the ladies at work to come with me to run club, but I've been enjoying run club on my own... it's a good way to SLOOOOOWWW DOWN which is always a challenge on your own. I always feel awesome on run club runs, once I warm up and get in the groove, my body just cruises along like a happy little locomotive. I wouldn't say we're bestie friends yet, but I like the people in the club and it's something I look forward to (when I can make it up to the cities). 

→ Consistency 

In the past 6 weeks, there have been only 2 days when I switched my running schedule around, and only 2 days when I had to go inside and face the treadmill. BANGIN'! I love being able to tick things off and keep myself on track.

That's pretty much life these days... I don't know if I'm going to hit my goal for the 5K coming up, but I'm optimistic that at least I'll PR.