My times say I'm going to fail at my original goal.
I went on a date with someone who told me that I had to let go of my goal because it was just about ego. I thought Fine for you to say that, sitting on the other side of the fence. He was a runner who had already achieved what I was aiming for, so of course he could sit back and say things like that in hindsight. He had both perspective, AND the satisfaction of achievement on his side.
Fuck that.
But the truth is, it is all about ego.
He wasn't wrong. It was just annoying to hear.
So I let it go. I let go of the number I was chasing.
Mostly.
It still stings a little bit. It makes me less motivated to get out and do my speed or strength workouts properly. I think, Well, I haven't gotten better anyway, so what's the point.
I have gotten better. Sort of. Slightly. If you measure me in speed and in strength, I'm bad. If you measure me in numbers, I'm pathetic. My current best half-marathon time is EXACTLY the equivalency of the marathon I ran last November. It's actually WORSE by a minute or so. When I look at shit like that, I think well FUCK, I haven't made any progress AT ALL. There is nothing more fucking frustrating than that, not after months of training, not after trying hard, running in the winter, running in the snow, getting sick, being tired, coming home aching and hungry and tired, it all feels so fucking pointless.
If you measure me in distance, I'm doing a little better. I've been running seriously for 1 year and 6 days. Over 1,000 miles. In that year, I've run a marathon, two 5Ks, and a half marathon. By the end of this year, I'll have done 2-3 more marathons, and a 50 mile. I'm accomplishing things. I guess I have better endurance now.
I'm typing this instead of getting all the shit done that I need to do today ffs
