I'm ready, not ready

Tomorrow I start training again.

I bought some cold-weather trousers.

But I don't feel ready. Not physically, anyway. I don't feel fast anymore, or exactly mentally prepared.

As far as my mind is, however, I feel ready. I'm ready to have a routine again. I'm ready to be reaching for a goal and pushing myself.

Sometimes I wonder and worry about my motivations, because I don't feel that they're pure sometimes. What do I have to prove? Why did I make this choice to run? Is it because of fear? Because of anger? Because of avoidance?

I'm concerned that I want things for the wrong reasons. I want to run, because it eats up time. I want to run, because it distracts me from myself. I want to run, because of other people and not myself. I want to run, because it makes me hate myself less. Those are true reasons, and I don't think they're good reasons.

Avoiding negativity is not a good reason, is it?

I want to run, because I feel good afterward. Sometimes. I want to run, because it will keep me healthy. I want to run, because it gets me outside and into nature. I want to run, because it makes showers and food feel and taste that much better. I want to run, because I want to race, because racing makes me feel happy and high.

I want to run, because I don't want to sit. I want to run, because I'm sick of being stuck in my own head. I want to run, because I'm tired of being angry all the time. I want to run, because I'm tired of being sad all the time. I want to run, because I can control it when I can't control my mind. I want to run, because I look awesome in running clothes. I want to run, because it makes me tired and I feel less guilty about taking a nap. I want to run, because it gives me endurance.

I want to run, because I don't want to die. I want to run because I want to live. I want to run because I want to be like Scott Jurek and Ronda Rousey and Mirna Valerio. I want to run because I want to accomplish stupidly difficult things that require huge amounts of effort and time and in which I am no particular star, for no particular reason. I want to run because I'm lousy at it, and I'm full to the brim of the three D's

Destination
Determination
Deliberation

I'm ready to lace up.